In the Heat of the Moment

In my last post I addressed some of the reasons behind tantrums, and stressed the importance of parents using whatever strategies work for them, of staying calm in the moment.

Knowing that we can’t always achieve the ideal calm in stressful moments, one of the other approaches that can help is to plan ahead for those inevitable tantrums or other embarrassing parenting moments!

I want to stress that when I present specific techniques, that every child is unique, and that each family has their own culture around appropriate behavior and limit setting techniques.  Some children have behavioral problems due to sensory issues or other challenging neurological or emotional challenges.  There is no “right way” that works for every family, or every situation.  I will present some strategies that are often effective, but I recommend seeking specific help, tailored to your own child/children when behavioral challenges occur frequently, and you begin to feel helpless, overly frustrated and angry, and parenting begins to feel overwhelming.

There are two main tools for different tantrum scenarios.  First is “an ounce of prevention…”

When tantrums are happening frequently, we can employ curiosity. Pay attention to whether they are happening at specific times or situations.  Is your child always having a tantrum in the late afternoon?  Is it possible she is hungry and could use a regular snack at that time?  Is it possible she is very tired, and quiet activities like a bath, or reading a story, would help her better cope in that time before dinner? 

Does your child always have a tantrum when you are at the grocery store?  Is it possible to get the groceries you need without taking her with you for a while?  There are inexpensive, easy to use, grocery delivery services like Peapod or Roche Brothers Delivery here in Massachusetts.  Is it possible to get the shopping done at a time the child is in preschool, or at a play date?  Is it possible that the child is often hungry or tired at the time you usually shop?  Can you have a snack available, or change the time accordingly?

The general idea here is to see if there is a structural problem you could change to reduce the likelihood of the tantrum.  Sometimes we don’t notice patterns because life is so hectic, but if we step back and apply some analysis, are there things in our control we can do to prevent tantrums?

Unfortunately, we can’t possibly use prevention all the time, tantrums often occur spontaneously, at random, and we don’t have the ability to use prevention as a strategy.

In that second case I turn to the familiar motto: “Be prepared.” We can take control of the situation by deciding on strategies ahead of time for tantrums, to use in the heat of the moment.  When a child is already screaming at the top of their lungs at the library, our faces are red and we are feeling helpless and mortified, its hard to calm down and think of an effective strategy.  If we have thought it up ahead, we can just plug it in-and it has the added positive effect of consistency for the child.  When they know what to expect from us, and it is consistent “enough” (see blog post February 22, 2013)) of the time, it always helps!

In my experience, as a general rule, when a tantrum occurs in a public place and it is feasible to leave, do so.  If a child begins a tantrum at the grocery store, a parent or caregiver can say, in as calm and brief a way as possible, “I see you’re upset (angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed….), we can’t scream at the grocery store (in the library, at church, mosque or synagogue, at a birthday party.), if you can’t calm down by the time I count to 10, we have to leave.”  If its something that happens frequently you can just say that the first time and in the future, just say, “no screaming in the_____, we have to leave.”  They will get the message if we follow through consistently.  It is better not to say, “we will leave”, if you can’t or won’t be able to follow through on it.  If we threaten to leave, and then don’t, children get the message that we don’t really intend to do it, and it doesn’t become a deterrent for the behavior.

If the tantrum happens at home, it is also best to have a plan for how you want to deal with it, in a way that is effective for your child in the culture of your family.  I strongly believe that it helps to first empathize with the feeling that may be behind the tantrum.  Even if it feels like an empty exercise at first, your child will be getting the message that they are “seen” and “heard”.  Again, it is always best to be brief and to the point, “You are angry that you can’t have that candy bar.  I know it feels yucky, and we need to use our words, not screaming and kicking” Then depending on what strategies work best for you or your child you can, ask them to go to their room or other safe space until they can calm down. You can hold them, if that is feasible, while they calm down.  You can give them some strategies you know in the past have helped them calm down, saying, “you can hold your soft rabbit toy, you can squeeze the stress ball….”

It is important to know that “time outs” can be effective both for children and for parents or caregivers.  If you are at home, or in a place where it is safe to leave your child alone for a few minutes to calm down, you can say, “mommy needs to take a time out” and step away and do something soothing for yourself.  As always, safety is the top priority, so you can only employ this strategy if your child will be safe if you leave them momentarily.

There are no parenting strategies that are “one size fits all”, but if we hone in on our children’s behavior with curiosity and creativity we can develop specific strategies that help us manage tantrums in way that is effective “enough” of the time!

When tantrums inevitably arise

One of the first times parents need to start building their limit setting skills are when children first start to tantrum.

In my previous post, I stated that children’s job is to test limits, it is the way they learn the boundaries of appropriate behavior.  One of the first ways that children test us is a tantrum.  It is an inevitable challenge for parents, not a reflection of bad parenting, or a sign the child is demon spawn.  Although, in the moment, it can certainly feel like that!

Considering that most of us are quite reasonable people, it can be startling when our baby, toddler, or preschooler first starts to cry intensely about something over which you and/or they probably have no control. It seems to be wildly unreasonable.  They may cry without being able to be soothed, they may throw themselves on the floor and flail their arms and legs.  They may start to scream in a high-pitched voice that seems to reach every corner of the restaurant or grocery store, when you are in public. That same scream may get on your every nerve at home as well.

Why do our children act so unreasonable?  There is not any one reason a child has a tantrum in any given situation.  It can be helpful to understand some of the things that might be going on from a toddler/preschooler’s perspective.  They are young and small.  Often things happen to them that they didn’t anticipate and didn’t choose.  They frequently don’t have the language skills, or emotional development necessary to understand, process, and express what they are feeling.  Yet they feel passionate about what they are feeling, and need some way to let us know.

When children are about a year old, they can often, not always, be distracted from a tantrum by moving the coveted object, handing them a different toy or cup, singing a spirited song, or moving them to a different place.

It becomes much harder as the child reaches two years old and onward.  Understanding what may be behind or trigger tantrums doesn’t make dealing with them any easier!  There are a few strategies that can help.

Most important, to the extent possible, is remaining calm yourself, when a child is having a tantrum.  I know it can feel counter intuitive and amazingly difficult to stay calm when a child is screaming and thrashing, but it actually can help the child to calm down, knowing that the adult/s present are staying calm.  Often the cycle of a child crying and screaming and a parent beginning to yell actually escalates the situation.

Children get their most powerful teaching through the behavior we model for them.  If we find a way to stay calm in stressful situations, they notice and begin to see that as a possibility.  If we fly off the handle they learn that behavior as well.

This is much easier said than done!  I have found that every parent or caregiver needs to try out different strategies and see what works for them.  It is helpful to have a toolbox of strategies for use in different stressful parenting situations.

When a child begins to have a tantrum it can be helpful to try to take three long, deep breaths, in and out, counting to eight for each inhale and exhale.  You will be surprised to see how powerfully that affects your ability to calm down.  Some people prefer to slowly count to ten without focusing on the breath.  It can feel soothing to develop a self-compassion themed mantra to say to yourself in the moment, something like, “I am okay, children have tantrums, this will pass” It has to be something that’s meaningful for you.

If it is safe and possible, you can take a “time out” for yourself.  Go briefly into another room, call a supportive family member, or friend.  There is very supportive Parenting Stress Hotline 1-800-632-8188 that you can call 24/7 and talk to a trained volunteer counselor.

The key is understanding that a tantrum is uncomfortable, irritating and can feel embarrassing and infuriating.  Yet it is a child’s attempt at communication.  Something is upsetting them and they need to let us know.  They just don’t know how to do it in the reasonable manner we are accustomed to from (most) adults. We can’t control that.  But we can control how we react to a tantrum, and it will help to diffuse it.  It is also a way of teaching our children coping skills for stressful situations.

Today’s post addresses how to understand why tantrums happen and the importance of finding a way to stay calm.  In the next post I will address more about what to do with the child in the heat of the moment!

Compassionate Parenting and Limit Setting at the Same Time

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In my previous post, I wrote about finding ways to be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves as parents.  We can begin to notice our inner self-critics and slowly, over time, learn to respond to ourselves with the kindness and compassion usually reserved for dear friends.  This approach ends up affecting all our interpersonal relationships, especially with our children.

Treating ourselves, and our children, in a kind and compassionate way does not mean being overly permissive, and/or accepting inappropriate behavior.

Effective limit setting is the strategy we use to teach our children to behave appropriately inside and outside our homes.  The word discipline literally means “to teach” and limit setting teaches children the acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in different spheres of their lives.  We use consequences as a way to help the children reinforce the lessons.

Sometimes children make mistakes, spilling their milk, breaking an object, or not setting the table correctly.  Sometimes children intentionally misbehave.  We have to respond to that misbehavior to teach them right from wrong, and to make clear our expectations of them.  I believe, the limit setting strategies work for both mistakes, and intentional misbehavior.  Therefore, I prefer to use the same word for responding to both-consequences, as opposed to punishment.  The end effect is the same, we teach our children by showing them that their actions have consequences, they are responsible for their actions, and responsible for rectifying the situation, or paying the negative consequence.

Here are my tips on limit setting with children in a nutshell:

1.     It is children’s job to test limits.  They are hard-wired to do so.  It is the parent’s job to set and enforce limits.

2.     Some parents are afraid their children won’t like them if they set limits.  In fact it is limits that help children to feel safe, and know that the adults in their lives are in control.  Children love their parents; it’s okay if they don’t always “like” them in a given moment.

3.     We want our children to love and respect us, but it is not our job to be their friend.  Children need us to be their parents.  We can still have warm, kind, loving and fun relationships with them, while firmly and effectively setting limits.  We can become friends with our children as they grow into adults.

4.     We have to be able to tolerate that our children will feel and act angry towards us when we set limits.  It does not mean that we are being unkind, or hurting them.  The fact that they are angry doesn’t mean that we will lose their love.

5.     Consistency is probably the most important factor in effective limit setting.  If a child knows that if they cry harder and harder, they will get the treat they are asking for in the supermarket, they will keep on crying until they get it!  It is better not to threaten a consequence, than to threaten and not follow through.

6.     It is best not to lecture or over explain while setting limits.  Children lose focus while we talk on and on.  If we engage in arguments with them about it, they may develop skills as an attorney, but their behavior will not improve.

7.     One can remain calm and set limits without shaming children.

In future posts I will go into each of these aspects in depth and provide practical strategies for achieving them.  These tips are much more easily said than done!

Talking the Talk

In my last post, I explored the idea of critical self-talk, and how that ultimately affects the way we talk to our children.  We must start by beginning to notice how we talk harshly to ourselves, in order to notice ways in which we talk harshly to our children.

Now we get to a chicken and egg sort of problem, how does one start the process of changing both the way we talk to ourselves, and the way we talk to our children?

We need to forgive ourselves for having made mistakes in our tone when we talk to our children.  We have all done it.  There are lots of understandable reasons why it happens.  We are juggling work-in or outside the home, children, issues with spouses or partners, extended family, single parenting challenges, housework, etc.  Also, children learn by testing limits so they are often pushing our buttons.

When we notice it happening in the moment, the first step is to say some kind words to ourselves.  It is the way we develop a forgiving attitude to our own mistakes. It takes a lot of practice to change our critical inner voices to positive encouragement; and leads you to run the risk of feeling silly.  Sometimes it can help to think about how you would talk to a dear friend who is in the same situation.

“Ah-here it is again-critical talk. Its okay sweetie, you’re over tired, it’s been a really hard day, give yourself a break.  At least you’re noticing it, that’s the first step.”

Kristin Neff, a psychologist and expert in self-compassion therapy approaches, beautifully illustrated how she used this approach towards herself when her young son had a tantrum on an airplane, in her Ted Talk.

It’s hard to imagine a more challenging moment; Kristin tells about how she was able to talk kindly and compassionately to herself during it, causing her to feel comfort and support.

If it’s safe and possible, take a little break from whatever you were saying or yelling harshly to your children.  You can cultivate strategies to help calm down in the moment.  Some people find it helpful to take a few deep breaths, count to ten, talk to another supportive adult.  There is a really helpful Parenting Stress Hotline-1-800-632-1818, if you find yourself needing another person to help you in a supportive way.

If you are disciplining an older child you can say, “I’m feeling really angry, we’re both upset, and I need a little break to get my thoughts together.  Lets each go into a different room for 5 minutes and then get back together.”

You may be surprised at how stopping the escalation of tempers can make a big impact on the children, just in itself.  It’s different and surprising to them.  They might deescalate a bit themselves in response.

If it feels comfortable you can engage the children in this process by saying something like, “I’m sorry I was yelling, I know no one likes to get yelled at.  I am feeling very tired and I’m frustrated because I asked you to turn off the TV three times.  But yelling is a mistake.  I will try to talk more calmly.”

In talking like this, you are not sanctioning their misbehavior, or saying that something doesn’t need to be done, you are just taking responsibility for the tone, modeling ways for them to calm down themselves.  You will still need to set appropriate limits, but you will be approaching it in a calm, manner. The word discipline means to teach: we are teaching our children appropriate behavior, both by the limits, and the manner in which we set them.

I will continue to write about self-compassion, parenting, and how to develop effective, firm, but kind limit setting.  These are the cornerstones of the approach I refer to as “Middle Ground Parenting.”

Critical Voices

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Recently, I attended Christopher Germer’s inspiring training about mindfulness and self-compassion. I referred to his book, The Mindful Path to Self Compassion in a previous post about parents learning to be kind to themselves.

During the seminar, Germer emphasized the toxicity of self-criticism. 

We all do it.  When we don’t do as well as we had hoped at work, or on a task at home, we talk to ourselves in ways we would never think about addressing our friends.

“You are a loser, you suck, you didn’t deserve that raise, clumsy oaf” 

We criticize ourselves about our weight, our food choices, and our level of activity.

“You are a fat pig, do you really need that candy bar, and you are so lazy.”

We often have a negative, continuous reel, of these, and other self-insults, playing in our heads at any given time.

There has long been a misconception that speaking harshly to oneself is the most effective way to get motivated.  It makes me think of sports coaches in films and television who yell at and berate the players, to improve their performance.

Germer, and other psychologists and social scientists have recently begun to scientifically measure the efficacy of this approach.

Dr.Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology Department at the University of Texas at Austin writes:

“Research shows that self-critics are much more likely to be anxious and depressed -- not exactly get-up-and-go mindsets. They also have lower self-efficacy beliefs (i.e., self-confidence in their abilities), which undermines their potential for success. The habit of self-criticism engenders fear of failure, meaning that self-critics often don't even try achieving their goals because the possibility of failure is unacceptable. Even more problematic, self-critics have a hard time seeing themselves clearly and identifying needed areas of improvement because they know the self-punishment that will ensue if they admit the truth. Much better to deny there's a problem or, even better, blame it on someone else.”

All this is extremely relevant to parenting.  When I meet with parents in my coaching practice they often say, “I listen to myself yelling at the kids, and it’s not the way I want to talk to them, but I get so frustrated, and angry.” Or “This isn’t how I imagined talking to my children, but when I start to feel at the end of my rope, it just escalates. Then I feel really bad about myself.”

Parents often think of their children as an extension of themselves.

If we talk so critically to ourselves, there is much more chance that we will talk to our children, in a harsh critical tone as well. 

As parents, we need to teach our children appropriate ways to behave; we need to set limits.  We also need to help them develop the self discipline to accomplish their tasks, and learn to problem solve.

However, if we do it in harsh critical tones, they will be much less likely to actually develop those skills.   We will unintentionally pass on a generational cycle of self-criticism.

So where do we start to change this cycle? 

As always, we need to start with ourselves.

We need to find ways to switch to a much kinder and more compassionate tape in our heads. We must start to pay attention to how we are talking to ourselves.

One way to start is to begin to be curious about our self-critical thoughts, and to begin to notice when they are happening.

Hmm, I just called myself a loser.  That’s a pretty harsh statement.  What would I say to a dear friend who said that about himself or herself? 

Then, practice saying that statement to yourself.  Even repeating it to yourself a few times.

This may sound simplistic, but we have a long history of being self-critics.  We need to start somewhere, and change one small self-interaction at a time.

We want to guide and teach our children, but not in a manner that criticizes them harshly. 

There are a lot of more formal and structured ways to decrease self-criticism.  I will write about more about this, and the general topic of self-compassion, in future posts.

Can we take our children's behavior less personally?

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In my last post, I pointed out that many of my clients express a fear that they are the only ones who are having trouble managing their children’s behavior in public and in private. “Everyone else seems to be doing it better!”  In reality, all parents struggle with how to teach their children appropriate behavior, and how to manage it when their children misbehave.

Part of what makes the whole process so hard, is that as parents, we feel so very vulnerable and judged about the way we are parenting.  We are all human, and what could be more sensitive than the way our children are behaving. After all, we gave birth to them, or adopted them, or are fostering them.  Often they look quite a lot like us physically!  We think about what we were like at their age, and how our parents approached our behavior.  And other than our partners, they are the people we love and care about most in the world.  And they know how to push our buttons!

Also, we are not making it up: people are judgmental, a separate but interesting topic in itself!  These children are so precious to us; we can’t help but take heir behavior very personally. We are a part of the same culture as those outside that may judge, as we result, we can end up being the harshest critics and judges of ourselves.

How do we cope with all this: do right by our children, find ways to not take their behavior so personally, and not get overwhelmed by feelings of shame and embarrassment of feeling so exposed?  These are complex dilemmas, and there are no simple strategies to address them.  However, we are ahead of the game just by being aware that all of this is in play in our day to day parenting, and exploring ways to address them.

Start with finding ways not to take our children’s behavior so personally!  When my son was three, my husband and I were out in the front yard of our home, and there was a man across the street mowing his lawn.  My son looked at my husband and said, “I hate you!” My husband and I were both a little shocked, and took a few moments to respond.  In the interim my son quickly recanted, “ I don’t hate you, I hate the man across the street mowing the lawn.”  My husband and I still joke about it to this day.

Toddlers are complicated little beings, and they are exploring who they are, how they are separate from their parents, and how to understand their emotions.  From birth, children are involved in those explorations, differently, in each developmental stage. 

Babies aren’t being manipulative when they are hungry and crying to be fed, or changed, or held.  They have needs, and they are dependent on us to meet those needs.  As they grow, to a year old or so, there is a dance around whether they need to have all their needs met immediately, or whether they can develop an ability to soothe themselves.  As they are more mobile, and more able to communicate verbally, we begin to have to set limits for their safety, and make more demands on them to wait a bit, for what they want.

Suddenly, there is more room for parents to interpret a child’s behavior as manipulative, to fear “spoiling them”, to be frustrated, angry, or disappointed by their behavior. It’s a hard transition: there is a tug around the child being dependent and independent for children and for parents.

An added complication to this dynamic is that the way healthy children learn these developmental tasks by testing out limits.  And we, as parents, are the ones being tested.  Often that feels pretty challenging; it becomes hard not to interpret their behavior as something they are consciously doing to make our lives difficult.  Additionally, all this happens in a very public way, hence the vulnerability and opportunity for parents to feel shame.

I believe that children are not as a rule, manipulative, or trying to give us a hard time.  They are trying to figure out who they are, and how the world works.  We get the daunting task of being their teachers.

A fundamental concept in trying to de-personalize our children’s behavior is the understanding that they are just trying to do their job. If we can manage to reframe their behavior in this context, it can help towards not feeling like they are purposely trying to make our lives miserable!

This blog is an attempt at building a “middle ground” parenting approach. 

One of the first, underlying steps is becoming aware that we need to understand how we are affected by fear of judgments from outsiders, and our own self-judgment.   We can understand the process of child development in the context of a child learning appropriate behavior by testing limits, and by our setting, and consistently enforcing those limits.  

We can’t control how and when are children test us, but with thought, and guidance we can come up with strategies and approaches in which to ease the tension of this natural process for ourselves and hence for them.

And we can be kind and compassionate to our children and equally as importantly: to ourselves. Outsiders can be judgmental, but this understanding of child development can be a part of learning to not judge ourselves harshly, to not blame ourselves for natural child behavior, to know what we can and cannot control.  

The first step in this, as in most things, is to be conscious that taking our children’s behavior personally, interpreting it as intentionally geared to annoy us, stops us from being as effective as we can be in teaching our children appropriate behavior.

Why do other people’s children seem better behaved?

Just this week, in my parent coaching practice, four sets of parents separately said to me, “When I see other families, at the restaurant or at the mall; it looks like they have it under control.  My child/children are screaming, running around, crying, and bouncing off the wall like little monkeys (or some other such mammalian creature).  Other people’s kids are sitting still, eating politely, conversing and behaving perfectly!” 

I am a parent and I know that in the moment, that is how it really feels.  We usually can’t identify what it is we feel, but often, at the root of it is shame.  In those moments we feel like we are bad parents, and that makes us feel like we are bad people.

Shame is a really uncomfortable, painful emotion and it’s natural to try to push it away. So we understandably replace the shame with depression or with anger at our children, for putting us in this situation. As a result, unintentionally, we can lash out at them, cause them to feel shame and that they are bad people, as opposed to people that behaved badly.

In reality, if so many of the people I talk to feel this way then it could not possibly be true that everyone else is “parenting better”.  When our child is screaming in a restaurant, or having a tantrum in a supermarket, we worry we are being judged; we feel embarrassed and alone.  In that moment, it seems like we are the only one who experiences this behavior with our children.  Yet most of us do.

Children are learning how to behave appropriately at home and in public from when they are babies.  One of the prominent ways children do this is by testing.  They will try out behaviors to see how we react and how other people react.  By doing this, and dealing with the repercussions, they learn what they can and can’t do behaviorally.  This testing is their job.  It is our job to set appropriate limits, and use positive discipline, so they will learn those lessons about appropriate behavior.  But it is important for us to do it in a way that is not shaming for them.  And it is important for us not to feel shame because they are testing.  It is not a reflection on our parenting skill or lack thereof, it is not because we are bad, or did something wrong, it is what children do.

So the first step is to try to remind yourself, that you are not alone and that all parents experience this.  If grandparents or parents of older children say their children didn’t do that, it’s just that they’ve forgotten.  They blocked out the embarrassing experiences and remember mostly the positive or funny ones. (That’s a comforting fact as well!)

If there are uncompassionate people, forgetful of their own experience, or haven’t spent much time around children -that give you a look, or a comment, or a judgmental whisper aside to their companions, we have to develop ways to let that go.  They are the ones with the problem.  The way we feel about ourselves and the way we respond to our children is so much more important than the unfair judgments of passers by.

If we become filled with shame, we feel bad about ourselves and internalize it.  Or we get angry and lash out at the children.  It ends up hurting them and us.

We do need to deal with it when children misbehave in private or in public.  If a child is having a tantrum we need to try to pick them up, and without lecturing or long speeches, with as much calmness as we can muster, and get out of the restaurant, mall, birthday party.  If a child is misbehaving in a place of worship or making loud noise in a quiet situation like a wedding, lecture or movie, we didn’t do anything wrong as parents. They were just being children, and we need to remove them from the situation.

Some children are naturally more compliant and need to do less testing, either in private, in public, or both.  This doesn’t mean they are better or that the children who test more are worse.  Everyone is born hardwired with a certain temperament.  We can’t control that.  But we can control how we react, and how we develop strategies to approach effective, non-shaming discipline.  I will go into more depth limit setting and positive discipline techniques in future posts.