In the Heat of the Moment

In my last post I addressed some of the reasons behind tantrums, and stressed the importance of parents using whatever strategies work for them, of staying calm in the moment.

Knowing that we can’t always achieve the ideal calm in stressful moments, one of the other approaches that can help is to plan ahead for those inevitable tantrums or other embarrassing parenting moments!

I want to stress that when I present specific techniques, that every child is unique, and that each family has their own culture around appropriate behavior and limit setting techniques.  Some children have behavioral problems due to sensory issues or other challenging neurological or emotional challenges.  There is no “right way” that works for every family, or every situation.  I will present some strategies that are often effective, but I recommend seeking specific help, tailored to your own child/children when behavioral challenges occur frequently, and you begin to feel helpless, overly frustrated and angry, and parenting begins to feel overwhelming.

There are two main tools for different tantrum scenarios.  First is “an ounce of prevention…”

When tantrums are happening frequently, we can employ curiosity. Pay attention to whether they are happening at specific times or situations.  Is your child always having a tantrum in the late afternoon?  Is it possible she is hungry and could use a regular snack at that time?  Is it possible she is very tired, and quiet activities like a bath, or reading a story, would help her better cope in that time before dinner? 

Does your child always have a tantrum when you are at the grocery store?  Is it possible to get the groceries you need without taking her with you for a while?  There are inexpensive, easy to use, grocery delivery services like Peapod or Roche Brothers Delivery here in Massachusetts.  Is it possible to get the shopping done at a time the child is in preschool, or at a play date?  Is it possible that the child is often hungry or tired at the time you usually shop?  Can you have a snack available, or change the time accordingly?

The general idea here is to see if there is a structural problem you could change to reduce the likelihood of the tantrum.  Sometimes we don’t notice patterns because life is so hectic, but if we step back and apply some analysis, are there things in our control we can do to prevent tantrums?

Unfortunately, we can’t possibly use prevention all the time, tantrums often occur spontaneously, at random, and we don’t have the ability to use prevention as a strategy.

In that second case I turn to the familiar motto: “Be prepared.” We can take control of the situation by deciding on strategies ahead of time for tantrums, to use in the heat of the moment.  When a child is already screaming at the top of their lungs at the library, our faces are red and we are feeling helpless and mortified, its hard to calm down and think of an effective strategy.  If we have thought it up ahead, we can just plug it in-and it has the added positive effect of consistency for the child.  When they know what to expect from us, and it is consistent “enough” (see blog post February 22, 2013)) of the time, it always helps!

In my experience, as a general rule, when a tantrum occurs in a public place and it is feasible to leave, do so.  If a child begins a tantrum at the grocery store, a parent or caregiver can say, in as calm and brief a way as possible, “I see you’re upset (angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed….), we can’t scream at the grocery store (in the library, at church, mosque or synagogue, at a birthday party.), if you can’t calm down by the time I count to 10, we have to leave.”  If its something that happens frequently you can just say that the first time and in the future, just say, “no screaming in the_____, we have to leave.”  They will get the message if we follow through consistently.  It is better not to say, “we will leave”, if you can’t or won’t be able to follow through on it.  If we threaten to leave, and then don’t, children get the message that we don’t really intend to do it, and it doesn’t become a deterrent for the behavior.

If the tantrum happens at home, it is also best to have a plan for how you want to deal with it, in a way that is effective for your child in the culture of your family.  I strongly believe that it helps to first empathize with the feeling that may be behind the tantrum.  Even if it feels like an empty exercise at first, your child will be getting the message that they are “seen” and “heard”.  Again, it is always best to be brief and to the point, “You are angry that you can’t have that candy bar.  I know it feels yucky, and we need to use our words, not screaming and kicking” Then depending on what strategies work best for you or your child you can, ask them to go to their room or other safe space until they can calm down. You can hold them, if that is feasible, while they calm down.  You can give them some strategies you know in the past have helped them calm down, saying, “you can hold your soft rabbit toy, you can squeeze the stress ball….”

It is important to know that “time outs” can be effective both for children and for parents or caregivers.  If you are at home, or in a place where it is safe to leave your child alone for a few minutes to calm down, you can say, “mommy needs to take a time out” and step away and do something soothing for yourself.  As always, safety is the top priority, so you can only employ this strategy if your child will be safe if you leave them momentarily.

There are no parenting strategies that are “one size fits all”, but if we hone in on our children’s behavior with curiosity and creativity we can develop specific strategies that help us manage tantrums in way that is effective “enough” of the time!

When tantrums inevitably arise

One of the first times parents need to start building their limit setting skills are when children first start to tantrum.

In my previous post, I stated that children’s job is to test limits, it is the way they learn the boundaries of appropriate behavior.  One of the first ways that children test us is a tantrum.  It is an inevitable challenge for parents, not a reflection of bad parenting, or a sign the child is demon spawn.  Although, in the moment, it can certainly feel like that!

Considering that most of us are quite reasonable people, it can be startling when our baby, toddler, or preschooler first starts to cry intensely about something over which you and/or they probably have no control. It seems to be wildly unreasonable.  They may cry without being able to be soothed, they may throw themselves on the floor and flail their arms and legs.  They may start to scream in a high-pitched voice that seems to reach every corner of the restaurant or grocery store, when you are in public. That same scream may get on your every nerve at home as well.

Why do our children act so unreasonable?  There is not any one reason a child has a tantrum in any given situation.  It can be helpful to understand some of the things that might be going on from a toddler/preschooler’s perspective.  They are young and small.  Often things happen to them that they didn’t anticipate and didn’t choose.  They frequently don’t have the language skills, or emotional development necessary to understand, process, and express what they are feeling.  Yet they feel passionate about what they are feeling, and need some way to let us know.

When children are about a year old, they can often, not always, be distracted from a tantrum by moving the coveted object, handing them a different toy or cup, singing a spirited song, or moving them to a different place.

It becomes much harder as the child reaches two years old and onward.  Understanding what may be behind or trigger tantrums doesn’t make dealing with them any easier!  There are a few strategies that can help.

Most important, to the extent possible, is remaining calm yourself, when a child is having a tantrum.  I know it can feel counter intuitive and amazingly difficult to stay calm when a child is screaming and thrashing, but it actually can help the child to calm down, knowing that the adult/s present are staying calm.  Often the cycle of a child crying and screaming and a parent beginning to yell actually escalates the situation.

Children get their most powerful teaching through the behavior we model for them.  If we find a way to stay calm in stressful situations, they notice and begin to see that as a possibility.  If we fly off the handle they learn that behavior as well.

This is much easier said than done!  I have found that every parent or caregiver needs to try out different strategies and see what works for them.  It is helpful to have a toolbox of strategies for use in different stressful parenting situations.

When a child begins to have a tantrum it can be helpful to try to take three long, deep breaths, in and out, counting to eight for each inhale and exhale.  You will be surprised to see how powerfully that affects your ability to calm down.  Some people prefer to slowly count to ten without focusing on the breath.  It can feel soothing to develop a self-compassion themed mantra to say to yourself in the moment, something like, “I am okay, children have tantrums, this will pass” It has to be something that’s meaningful for you.

If it is safe and possible, you can take a “time out” for yourself.  Go briefly into another room, call a supportive family member, or friend.  There is very supportive Parenting Stress Hotline 1-800-632-8188 that you can call 24/7 and talk to a trained volunteer counselor.

The key is understanding that a tantrum is uncomfortable, irritating and can feel embarrassing and infuriating.  Yet it is a child’s attempt at communication.  Something is upsetting them and they need to let us know.  They just don’t know how to do it in the reasonable manner we are accustomed to from (most) adults. We can’t control that.  But we can control how we react to a tantrum, and it will help to diffuse it.  It is also a way of teaching our children coping skills for stressful situations.

Today’s post addresses how to understand why tantrums happen and the importance of finding a way to stay calm.  In the next post I will address more about what to do with the child in the heat of the moment!