Talking the Talk

In my last post, I explored the idea of critical self-talk, and how that ultimately affects the way we talk to our children.  We must start by beginning to notice how we talk harshly to ourselves, in order to notice ways in which we talk harshly to our children.

Now we get to a chicken and egg sort of problem, how does one start the process of changing both the way we talk to ourselves, and the way we talk to our children?

We need to forgive ourselves for having made mistakes in our tone when we talk to our children.  We have all done it.  There are lots of understandable reasons why it happens.  We are juggling work-in or outside the home, children, issues with spouses or partners, extended family, single parenting challenges, housework, etc.  Also, children learn by testing limits so they are often pushing our buttons.

When we notice it happening in the moment, the first step is to say some kind words to ourselves.  It is the way we develop a forgiving attitude to our own mistakes. It takes a lot of practice to change our critical inner voices to positive encouragement; and leads you to run the risk of feeling silly.  Sometimes it can help to think about how you would talk to a dear friend who is in the same situation.

“Ah-here it is again-critical talk. Its okay sweetie, you’re over tired, it’s been a really hard day, give yourself a break.  At least you’re noticing it, that’s the first step.”

Kristin Neff, a psychologist and expert in self-compassion therapy approaches, beautifully illustrated how she used this approach towards herself when her young son had a tantrum on an airplane, in her Ted Talk.

It’s hard to imagine a more challenging moment; Kristin tells about how she was able to talk kindly and compassionately to herself during it, causing her to feel comfort and support.

If it’s safe and possible, take a little break from whatever you were saying or yelling harshly to your children.  You can cultivate strategies to help calm down in the moment.  Some people find it helpful to take a few deep breaths, count to ten, talk to another supportive adult.  There is a really helpful Parenting Stress Hotline-1-800-632-1818, if you find yourself needing another person to help you in a supportive way.

If you are disciplining an older child you can say, “I’m feeling really angry, we’re both upset, and I need a little break to get my thoughts together.  Lets each go into a different room for 5 minutes and then get back together.”

You may be surprised at how stopping the escalation of tempers can make a big impact on the children, just in itself.  It’s different and surprising to them.  They might deescalate a bit themselves in response.

If it feels comfortable you can engage the children in this process by saying something like, “I’m sorry I was yelling, I know no one likes to get yelled at.  I am feeling very tired and I’m frustrated because I asked you to turn off the TV three times.  But yelling is a mistake.  I will try to talk more calmly.”

In talking like this, you are not sanctioning their misbehavior, or saying that something doesn’t need to be done, you are just taking responsibility for the tone, modeling ways for them to calm down themselves.  You will still need to set appropriate limits, but you will be approaching it in a calm, manner. The word discipline means to teach: we are teaching our children appropriate behavior, both by the limits, and the manner in which we set them.

I will continue to write about self-compassion, parenting, and how to develop effective, firm, but kind limit setting.  These are the cornerstones of the approach I refer to as “Middle Ground Parenting.”

Critical Voices

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Recently, I attended Christopher Germer’s inspiring training about mindfulness and self-compassion. I referred to his book, The Mindful Path to Self Compassion in a previous post about parents learning to be kind to themselves.

During the seminar, Germer emphasized the toxicity of self-criticism. 

We all do it.  When we don’t do as well as we had hoped at work, or on a task at home, we talk to ourselves in ways we would never think about addressing our friends.

“You are a loser, you suck, you didn’t deserve that raise, clumsy oaf” 

We criticize ourselves about our weight, our food choices, and our level of activity.

“You are a fat pig, do you really need that candy bar, and you are so lazy.”

We often have a negative, continuous reel, of these, and other self-insults, playing in our heads at any given time.

There has long been a misconception that speaking harshly to oneself is the most effective way to get motivated.  It makes me think of sports coaches in films and television who yell at and berate the players, to improve their performance.

Germer, and other psychologists and social scientists have recently begun to scientifically measure the efficacy of this approach.

Dr.Kristin Neff, an Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture, Educational Psychology Department at the University of Texas at Austin writes:

“Research shows that self-critics are much more likely to be anxious and depressed -- not exactly get-up-and-go mindsets. They also have lower self-efficacy beliefs (i.e., self-confidence in their abilities), which undermines their potential for success. The habit of self-criticism engenders fear of failure, meaning that self-critics often don't even try achieving their goals because the possibility of failure is unacceptable. Even more problematic, self-critics have a hard time seeing themselves clearly and identifying needed areas of improvement because they know the self-punishment that will ensue if they admit the truth. Much better to deny there's a problem or, even better, blame it on someone else.”

All this is extremely relevant to parenting.  When I meet with parents in my coaching practice they often say, “I listen to myself yelling at the kids, and it’s not the way I want to talk to them, but I get so frustrated, and angry.” Or “This isn’t how I imagined talking to my children, but when I start to feel at the end of my rope, it just escalates. Then I feel really bad about myself.”

Parents often think of their children as an extension of themselves.

If we talk so critically to ourselves, there is much more chance that we will talk to our children, in a harsh critical tone as well. 

As parents, we need to teach our children appropriate ways to behave; we need to set limits.  We also need to help them develop the self discipline to accomplish their tasks, and learn to problem solve.

However, if we do it in harsh critical tones, they will be much less likely to actually develop those skills.   We will unintentionally pass on a generational cycle of self-criticism.

So where do we start to change this cycle? 

As always, we need to start with ourselves.

We need to find ways to switch to a much kinder and more compassionate tape in our heads. We must start to pay attention to how we are talking to ourselves.

One way to start is to begin to be curious about our self-critical thoughts, and to begin to notice when they are happening.

Hmm, I just called myself a loser.  That’s a pretty harsh statement.  What would I say to a dear friend who said that about himself or herself? 

Then, practice saying that statement to yourself.  Even repeating it to yourself a few times.

This may sound simplistic, but we have a long history of being self-critics.  We need to start somewhere, and change one small self-interaction at a time.

We want to guide and teach our children, but not in a manner that criticizes them harshly. 

There are a lot of more formal and structured ways to decrease self-criticism.  I will write about more about this, and the general topic of self-compassion, in future posts.