First we listen...then....

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Listening is the way we get our cues to who our child is, how they are doing, and what they need.  It is how we can behave compassionately to our children, and teach them to behave compassionately towards others as well.  Listening is also the way we diffuse heated situations so the child can calm down enough to be able to problem solve. 

Inevitably situations will arise wherein children misbehave: they may have tantrums, try to do something unsafe, not put away their toys, etc.  The problems can be anywhere on a spectrum from small and mild to large and dangerous. We teach our children appropriate ways to behave towards themselves, others, inside the family, and outside the family, by using limit setting.  After empathetic listening, limit setting is the next tool in our parenting repertoire.

I have often turned to The Explosive Child, a book by physician Dr. Ross Greene, when parents are having a hard time with their children’s behavior.  Dr. Greene wrote the book to address especially challenging behavior from children who are often diagnosed with psychological or behavioral problems.  I have found most of the concepts in the book to be relevant to parenting and setting limits in general.

Dr. Greene posits and emphasizes that children do well, if they can!  They want to please their parents, receive attention from their parents, and if they can behave well, they will.  If they are not behaving well, something is getting in their way.  They may not know how to do what they are being asked to do, they might be having trouble managing strong feelings or they may have trouble with impulse control. There can be many sources of the difficulty. 

I am not suggesting that therefore we should allow misbehavior, or not set limits.  That is exactly what we need to do.  We can set those limits, and address those challenging behaviors in the context of teaching the child the skills they need to learn, and figuring out what is getting in their way.

In limit setting it is really important for actions to match words.  If parents say you can’t have ice cream this afternoon, and after children plead and cajole parents say yes; they will learn that "no" does not mean "no".  If you ask them to do a task, putting away toys, putting out the garbage and they say, “I will,” but never do it, and you lecture and nag, and then do it yourself, they will learn that they don’t really have to do the task.

If there is one word that is most important in limit setting it is consistency.  It is important that limits be set consistently and consequences be meted out consistently.

Children will test rules.  That is their job.  It is the way they discover the boundaries of acceptable behavior and whether there are limits in place to keep them safe.  They start testing at two years old and keep on going right through their teens.

We don’t need to punish children for testing; but we need to respond to them with very clearly stated rules and consequences if they don’t follow the rules.  The consequences are not the same as punishment; they are ways to teach children acceptable behavior.  All through life there are consequences for behavior, and in our home children can learn that in a safe, respectful, and loving environment.

Parents can have a tendency to want to be their children’s friend, and to want their children always to “like them”.  Children don’t need their parents to be their friends.  They need their parents to be their parents.  You can have a close, loving and fun relationship with your child but there need to be really clear limits of behavior established.  Sometimes your children will be angry with you, or think you’re mean for saying no; but that should not dictate your behavior. Children ultimately need and want their parents to be in control. They will test limits but ultimately they too want to know their parents are in control, and feel unsafe when that does not seem to be the case.

Children need firm limits. As they grow older they also need to be given more control, freedom, and responsibility.  So in essence it is a balancing act.  When they are two years old it is all about limit setting. As they get older it becomes about teaching them their own problem solving skills, giving them a chance to take on responsibility and become accountable for their own behavior.

Empathetic Listening

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Being heard
is so close to being loved
that for the average person,
they are almost indistinguishable.

-David Augsberger

As I explore the concept of “Middle Ground” Parenting ©2013 I want to explore more deeply the idea of empathetic listening.  I see this as a key aspect of parenting effectively.  This is a huge topic and this post will just start to explore it.

When our children are infants we are very focused on listening because that’s really the only way we can know if there is something they need. We listen to their cries, their deep breathing of sleep, their coos when they are content.  We intuitively feel a sense of urgency to know what they are communicating and to try and meet those needs.  The baby begins to know that we love them and they can trust us because of this listening.

As children get older, they begin to develop gestures and then words to communicate what they need and want, we sometimes forget how important it is for us to keep listening.  And as they grow, what we are listening for is a bit different. We’ve moved beyond hunger for a feeding, a wet diaper, the need for holding and comfort.   The child is becoming a more complicated entity, they have needs and wants we no longer can or should meet immediately.  They are establishing their own independent little selves.  We have to keep them safe as they are moving around in the world and we have to set some limits to their behavior.

When we go beyond the basic needs of food, body and soothing, and get to situations where the child wants something they can’t have-we can listen for the feelings beneath their words.  It is our ability to listen, to understand, and be compassionate to their feelings, that is probably our most powerful and effective parenting tool.  They will feel understood and heard and loved, even as they are feeling more frustration, anger, and disappointment.  In time, we will help them to learn to name those feelings themselves, and better ways of expressing those feelings.

Somewhere around the age of 18 months children begin to develop more of a sense of the meaning of no.  You will see a child toddle to an outlet, turn around and look at you and then start to put their finger near it, you say “No” They are beginning to understand that there are things they won’t be allowed to do but they are going to keep testing those limits.  Also they don’t necessarily retain the concept, and we have to keep saying that “No” and most often have to simply remove them from unsafe situations, and distract them from those activities.

We really start beginning our limit setting/discipline with our children when they are about 2 years old.  Often around this time and for the next few years’ children continue testing the limits frequently.  They know they want things; they don’t really have the skills or the power to get them.  Often they don’t even know themselves what it is that they want.  They don’t have the ability to appropriately communicate their frustration, and the tantrums begin!

It is at this very early stage where we can start to actively practice those same attuned listening skills we used when our children were infants.  When a child begins to tantrum, or have a “melt down” one of the most powerful, disarming, effective tools we can use is to name the feeling behind their upset. 

Whether we, as adults think the reason behind their upset is justified or makes sense, the fact is that they are in distress.  If we say, “We’ve been at the park all morning, you’ve had long enough to play, or why are you giving mommy a hard time, I let you play for two hours, you know you’re tired and need your nap"-they will only get increasingly upset.

So when your two –four year old child suddenly starts to cry and flail, you can say, “Molly is angry, she wants to stay at the park and we have to go.  Its hard being angry.”  I am not suggesting that in that moment, the child will stop crying and say “thank you mother, you helped me identify my feelings, of course we need to go, its time for my nap.” You will probably have to pick them up, tears and flailing and all, and put them in the car.

But when you acknowledge your child’s feelings, even if you can’t change the outcome of leaving the park, they get the message, you are listening to them, you understand that they have feelings of frustration; you are compassionate to those feelings.  In some cases that feeling of being heard can be enough to diffuse the tantrum.

It can be helpful to think about this in terms of your own experience.  If you are disappointed because your partner forgot to acknowledge your birthday in the morning and they say, “Don’t be so dramatic, birthdays aren’t such a big deal for adults,” or “I’ve had a crazy day at work please don’t add to my stress.” How would you feel?  On the other hand if your partner said, “I’m sorry honey, it must have been disappointing that I didn’t say happy birthday-I love you and happy birthday.”- wouldn’t you feel a lot better?  You might feel heard and understood, and loved-even if your partner did something that upset you.

Sometimes identifying your child's specific feeling can be difficult, because the feelings are not directly related to the activity he is upset about.  He may still be holding on to hurt from a friend’s mean comment, or hasn’t had enough sleep.  The main task is to identify a feeling that seems reflected by the child’s behavior.  They can always correct you, and its still experienced as supportive.  Also at a later time you can look back at the incident and think about other emotional and or physical aspects that may have influenced the tantrum!

As you listen empathetically and name your child’s feelings, she begins to learn the skills to identify what she is feeling, and you will eventually teach her ways to communicate those feelings other than with tantrums.  In addition to that, you are modeling how to listen compassionately to and communicate with others effectively.

Empathetic listening isn’t a magic trick, or manipulation, it’s a way of connecting with your child, communicating that they are heard and loved, even when there is conflict.  This interaction is the building block for communication with your child all through life.  And it’s never to late to start.