In my last post I addressed some of the reasons behind tantrums,
and stressed the importance of parents using whatever strategies work for them,
of staying calm in the moment.
Knowing that we can’t always achieve the ideal calm in
stressful moments, one of the other approaches that can help is to plan ahead
for those inevitable tantrums or other embarrassing parenting moments!
I want to stress that when I present specific techniques,
that every child is unique, and that each family has their own culture around
appropriate behavior and limit setting techniques. Some children have behavioral problems due to sensory issues
or other challenging neurological or emotional challenges. There is no “right way” that works for
every family, or every situation.
I will present some strategies that are often effective, but I recommend
seeking specific help, tailored to your own child/children when behavioral
challenges occur frequently, and you begin to feel helpless, overly frustrated
and angry, and parenting begins to feel overwhelming.
There are two main tools for different tantrum scenarios. First is “an
ounce of prevention…”
When tantrums are happening frequently, we can employ
curiosity. Pay attention to whether they are happening at specific times or
situations. Is your child always
having a tantrum in the late afternoon? Is it possible she is hungry and could use a regular snack at
that time? Is it possible she is
very tired, and quiet activities like a bath, or reading a story, would help
her better cope in that time before dinner?
Does your child always have a tantrum when you are at the
grocery store? Is it possible to
get the groceries you need without taking her with you for a while? There are inexpensive, easy to use,
grocery delivery services like Peapod or Roche Brothers Delivery here in
Massachusetts. Is it possible to
get the shopping done at a time the child is in preschool, or at a play
date? Is it possible that the
child is often hungry or tired at the time you usually shop? Can you have a snack available, or
change the time accordingly?
The general idea here is to see if there is a structural
problem you could change to reduce the likelihood of the tantrum. Sometimes we don’t notice patterns
because life is so hectic, but if we step back and apply some analysis, are
there things in our control we can do to prevent tantrums?
Unfortunately, we can’t possibly use prevention all the
time, tantrums often occur spontaneously, at random, and we don’t have the
ability to use prevention as a strategy.
In that second case I turn to the familiar motto: “Be prepared.” We
can take control of the situation by deciding on strategies ahead of time for
tantrums, to use in the heat of the moment. When a child is already screaming at the top of their lungs
at the library, our faces are red and we are feeling helpless and mortified,
its hard to calm down and think of an effective strategy. If we have thought it up ahead, we can
just plug it in-and it has the added positive effect of consistency for the
child. When they know what to
expect from us, and it is consistent “enough” (see blog post February 22, 2013))
of the time, it always helps!
In my experience, as a general rule, when a tantrum occurs
in a public place and it is feasible to leave, do so. If a child begins a tantrum at the grocery store, a parent
or caregiver can say, in as calm and brief a way as possible, “I see you’re
upset (angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed….), we can’t scream at the grocery
store (in the library, at church, mosque or synagogue, at a birthday party.),
if you can’t calm down by the time I count to 10, we have to leave.” If its something that happens frequently
you can just say that the first time and in the future, just say, “no screaming
in the_____, we have to leave.”
They will get the message if we follow through consistently. It is better not to say, “we will
leave”, if you can’t or won’t be able to follow through on it. If we threaten to leave, and then
don’t, children get the message that we don’t really intend to do it, and it
doesn’t become a deterrent for the behavior.
If the tantrum happens at home, it is also best to have a
plan for how you want to deal with it, in a way that is effective for your
child in the culture of your family.
I strongly believe that it helps to first empathize with the feeling
that may be behind the tantrum.
Even if it feels like an empty exercise at first, your child will be
getting the message that they are “seen” and “heard”. Again, it is always best to be brief and to the point, “You
are angry that you can’t have that candy bar. I know it feels yucky, and we need to use our words, not
screaming and kicking” Then depending on what strategies work best for you or
your child you can, ask them to go to their room or other safe space until they
can calm down. You can hold them, if that is feasible, while they calm
down. You can give them some
strategies you know in the past have helped them calm down, saying, “you can
hold your soft rabbit toy, you can squeeze the stress ball….”
It is important to know that “time outs” can be effective
both for children and for parents or caregivers. If you are at home, or in a place where it is safe to leave
your child alone for a few minutes to calm down, you can say, “mommy needs to
take a time out” and step away and do something soothing for yourself. As always, safety is the top priority,
so you can only employ this strategy if your child will be safe if you leave
them momentarily.
There are no parenting strategies that are “one size fits
all”, but if we hone in on our children’s behavior with curiosity and
creativity we can develop specific strategies that help us manage tantrums in
way that is effective “enough” of the time!