In my previous post, I wrote about finding ways to be kinder
and more compassionate to ourselves as parents. We can begin to notice our inner self-critics and slowly,
over time, learn to respond to ourselves with the kindness and compassion
usually reserved for dear friends.
This approach ends up affecting all our interpersonal relationships,
especially with our children.
Treating ourselves, and our children, in a kind and
compassionate way does not mean being overly permissive, and/or accepting
inappropriate behavior.
Effective limit
setting is the strategy we use to teach our children to behave
appropriately inside and outside our homes. The word discipline literally means “to teach” and limit setting
teaches children the acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in different spheres
of their lives. We use
consequences as a way to help the children reinforce the lessons.
Sometimes children make mistakes, spilling their milk,
breaking an object, or not setting the table correctly. Sometimes children intentionally
misbehave. We have to respond to
that misbehavior to teach them right from wrong, and to make clear our
expectations of them. I believe,
the limit setting strategies work for both mistakes, and intentional
misbehavior. Therefore, I prefer
to use the same word for responding to both-consequences, as opposed to punishment. The end effect is the same, we
teach our children by showing them that their actions have consequences, they
are responsible for their actions, and responsible for rectifying the
situation, or paying the negative consequence.
Here are my tips on
limit setting with children in a nutshell:
1.
It is children’s job to test limits. They are hard-wired to do so. It is the parent’s job to set and enforce
limits.
2.
Some parents are afraid their children won’t
like them if they set limits. In
fact it is limits that help children to feel safe, and know that the adults in
their lives are in control.
Children love their parents; it’s okay if they don’t always “like” them
in a given moment.
3.
We want our children to love and respect us, but
it is not our job to be their friend.
Children need us to be their parents. We can still have warm, kind, loving and fun relationships
with them, while firmly and effectively setting limits. We can become friends with our children
as they grow into adults.
4.
We have to be able to tolerate that our children
will feel and act angry towards us when we set limits. It does not mean that we are being
unkind, or hurting them. The fact
that they are angry doesn’t mean that we will lose their love.
5.
Consistency is probably the most important
factor in effective limit setting.
If a child knows that if they cry harder and harder, they will get the
treat they are asking for in the supermarket, they will keep on crying until
they get it! It is better not to
threaten a consequence, than to threaten and not follow through.
6.
It is best not to lecture or over explain while
setting limits. Children lose
focus while we talk on and on. If
we engage in arguments with them about it, they may develop skills as an
attorney, but their behavior will not improve.
7.
One can remain calm and set limits without
shaming children.
In future posts I will go into each of these aspects in
depth and provide practical strategies for achieving them. These tips are much more easily said
than done!
